Tuesday, September 22, 2009

My Shameful Weakness

I promised myself I wouldn't post anything until I caught up on all my blog reading but since I am still reading blogs from a week ago, I decided to unpromise.
Its been a crazy time and no, the changes have not been good and no, I am not going through menopause :)
Apart from Mr 6 bleeding from the head, buying and installing a new fridge and rear-ending a car out front of the school, I have been spending a lot of time contemplating a certain relationship and wondering why I am so weak.
I like to think I am a strong person. I once packed up all my stuff and a 2 year old and moved interstate by myself so I could start over. I escaped from an abusive relationship which almost killed me (literally). When Mr 6 was 3 months old, I broke my wrist (the one I write with) and still managed to keep it all together. I got through a divorce without despising my ex. To be cliche, when I get knocked down, I get back up again.
But my relationship with a certain person makes me feel ashamed of myself. It goes like this: get together, get treated like a worthless piece of crap, get dumped, sit at home while he screws every teenager in sight, get back together again. I don't know why I do it to myself. I always think it will be better the next time around and I'm always proved wrong. I feel disgusting just writing this.
I found the cartoon while looking for a picture of a broken heart and it couldn't describe the situation better. It's exactly how I feel. Why am I such a tool?
Edited: I just realised you can't really see the cartoon. She hands him her heart and says 'be careful with it..its fragile'. He drops it on the floor and says 'eh, it was worthless anyways'.


  1. Sounds like you've had some bad luck with life in general but to go through it in a relationship is one of the hardest things. Some may say "just get out of it if you're not happy" and I think you should too but I also know it isn't an easy thing to do. It could be a form of weakness but I see it as just plain needing someone to love. I hope you do drop him and find someone who will love you for the beautiful person you are.

    Glad to see you posting again :-)

  2. Hugs...i have a similar story that i wonder why i keep repeating...why do we, as strong women who can take care of multiple other people...keep letting this be done to us? What if this were our daughters? We deserve better and somehow have to be strong enough to go through with demanding it.

  3. You do this to yourself because you want to feel loved, perhaps? You sound like a strong woman, it's time to stand up to him and tell him you won't be treated like crap anymore. It's time to move on...Don't let yourself be abused again. Not all abuse is something you can see.

    (I know easier said than done)

  4. So sorry to read that. Realising that something is unhealthy/not good for you is the first step to break the pattern, I guess. xx MM

  5. Have to admit to being a bit confused but also feeling for you. I hope you are okay.
    I am going through an awful time too- feel free to email me if you want to rant or chat.
    Take care.

  6. Oh girl, I know about that. Try having Australian items shipped to the US. My ex is from Oz. Skyy, Victoria to be exact.

  7. I'm sorry to read it too, but it's really brave of you to write it. Sometimes you just have to repeat to yourself: "I can't fix this. I can't fix this..." because I think strong women who take care of lots of things can trick themselves into thinking that if they just work *hard* enough, they can fix the bad situation and make the other person "see" how hard they've been trying. But you can't fix other people.

    And you're worth more.

  8. Ha, I know. We tried forever to find somewhere that would ship Victoria Bitter to the states with no luck. We did find this website that would ship four and twenty or whatever those pies were called. Oz had the best candy and cookies. Tim Tams, Violet Crumble, Flake, oh my I could go on....

  9. We could get all of the candy at a store called World Market over here. I'm sure the price was jacked up of course versus the prices in Australia. Oreos are the best...especially in some vanilla ice cream. Yum Yum!!!!!!!!!!

  10. Only you can say what you 'should' do, first off. Second, to me it sounds like you are really just looking for unconditional love, which only can be given by yourself. So, start loving yourself. If you find yourself thinking anything about someone else it can always go back to yourself in some form or fashion. Everyone is a mirror of ourselves. I'm not advocating you leave or stay with anyone. That is your business. I do advocate people to analyze the thoughts they attach to, for attaching to untrue thoughts is what hurts us.
    For example: A friend doesn't call when she said she would. I think, "she should have called me!" I then get hurt and feel upset about it because I attached to an untrue thought. She shouldn't have called because she didn't call. It's going against reality to say she should have, when she did not. Do you get it? So my attaching to an untrue thought is what upsets me. Not what they did. I am not the best at explaining it. It's called, "The Work". Go to www.thework.org and you can read about the 4 questions you can ask yourself about any thought or situation and be able to break it down into the truth...and be able to set yourself free!
    When you do it let me know what happens. I'd love to find out! I love hearing testimonies. I do it, and hope to do it more and more.

  11. Thank you all for your extremely kind and thoughtful words. It really mad me feel better and woke me up. Kim, you really hit the nail on the head when you said we like to fix things. I'm very much like that. I don't like to give up and will keep slogging on trying to fix it when sometimes its not even worth fixing. And Erin, I thought about if it were my daughter and I cried. If someone were treating my daughter badly he'd end up in concrete boots! Once again, thanks everyone, I do feel so much better now :)